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Post by Brie on Sept 12, 2005 6:04:53 GMT -6
“It’s not ‘supposed’ potential, Amy,” Brie said, wondering if Amy really did know more than she was letting on. “It’s real. We’re all our own worst critics. Do you think I woke up one morning and said, ‘Hey, I think I’ll lead a squadron! I bet I’d be good at that!’”
“Probably,” Amy said with a grin.
“No,” Brie replied, returning the smile. “Do you know that I’ve always been shocked, each election, when I win? Every decision I make I run over in my head a million times and wonder what I could have done differently. There’s no such thing as impulse in my life, unless it involves alcohol and I’ll just leave that comment there. But I’m always looking at things I could have done differently, and cursing myself out for my mistakes. And not just since taking over Gold Squadron from Whatshisname. What if I hadn’t faked insanity when Turner died? What if I had said 'no' when he first asked me out? He asked me out on a bet, did I ever tell you that?”
“No,” Amy replied.
“Yeah. I had a reputation, hard worked for and well earned, as being extremely standoffish. I overheard him talking that someone had bet that he couldn’t get a date with me. So when he asked I agreed, intending to publicly humiliate him. I fell in love with him instead. Now there’s a decision I’ve wondered about a million times over the yahrens.” She was quiet for several microns. “What if I had just entered the Academy instead of jumping at the opportunity for the fracking pre-Academy program?”
“Why, what was wrong with that program?” Amy asked. “I heard they shut it down after a couple of yahrens.”
Brie looked directly at Amy. “Don’t trust Ange too much, Amy. Promise me you won’t ever let your guard down around him.”
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Post by Amy81 on Sept 14, 2005 5:25:49 GMT -6
"See?"Amy replied, "here we go again back to the Ange thing." She let out a big sigh. "Okay, just for arguement sake, let's say Ange is this big bad person. Don't you think that if he wanted to hurt me somehow, he would have done it already?"
"Maybe he's just waiting for the right moment" Brie suggested. "He did act strangely when he visited you in medlab."
"Yeah. Duh! He was grief stricken. I thought it was a little much but he was hurting seeing me like that. He's known me for a long long time."
"All I'm saying" Brie said, "is not to trust people, anyone now, not just Ange, don't trust people too blindly. Keep your eyes open. You remember Adrian. Of course you do. You had no idea the depth of his feelings for you, or how they could be so twisted when he fell into the wrong crowd."
"So you are saying Ange is running with that same crowd? A borellian Noman and his group on a blood trail?" Amy shook her head at the thought. "Ange is kind. Sweet. Gentle. Maybe you're just a little jealous that you didn't hit it off with him like I have."
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Post by Brie on Sept 14, 2005 8:44:38 GMT -6
“Yeah right, Amy,” Brie said with as much sarcasm as she could muster, “That's it, I’m jealous. My life’s goal has been to become friends with Ange.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Amy commented.
“And how do you know he’s NOT running around with a group of Noman, or something worse?” Brie asked. “Would you have thought that of Adrian?”
“No,” Amy said honestly, “but I didn’t know Adrian as long or as well as I know Ange.”
“If you know him so well, why are there holes in your memory?” Brie asked, knowing that Amy had no answer. “Here, where it seems that everything important is suddenly made clear to everyone, and you can’t remember a lot about when you first met him.”
“You just said it yourself,” Amy replied with a little bit of satisfaction. “Everything important. Obviously what Ange did to me when I was younger isn’t important.”
“What Ange did to you?” Brie repeated. “Amy, that’s the second time you’ve said something like that.”
“It’s not what I meant,” Amy said. “You’re confusing me, making me feel like he did something horrible, when all he’s ever been is a sweet, kind person. More like a father to me than my own father.”
Brie was silent for several microns. “Justin’s leaving,” she said at last. “I hope we don’t see him here soon.”
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Post by Amy81 on Sept 14, 2005 11:37:45 GMT -6
"You know" Amy said softly, "before you came over here and talked, I was sitting by myself and I could swear I could feel the souls of everyone in the fleet."
"I think I've felt that too" Brie replied. "Something. And that's as good a way to explain it as any."
"You could feel Justin's just now" Amy asked, "Couldn't you?"
Brie nodded in reply.
"It's funny that I can't seem to feel my own" Amy said sadly. "I wonder if it was taken along with my memories." Brie had no answer for this, so the two sat in silence for awhile.
"You know, Brie" Amy said finally, "You know me, but not really. The things that happened in my past are in MY past, not yours. You don't enter my life until I was an adult. So just leave it at that as far as Ange goes. You know him whatever way you know him, and I know him the way I do."
Brie nodded, but said nothing.
"It's so hard sometimes" Amy went on, "knowing where friendship ends and the military begins. I've blurred the line so much I haven't any idea where it is anymore. But I know you care about me, like you do for everyone in our unit. And I wouldn't trade the time I've known you for anything in the universe. So I appreciate you being concerned, but trust me, Ange is harmless. Besides, if he was planning on trying anything on me, he waited too long." Amy smiled. "I'd kick his a$$. Simple as that."
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Post by Amy81 on Sept 15, 2005 5:34:52 GMT -6
"Being able to handle yourself doesn't mean you can't get into trouble" Brie reminded her. "Look at Adrian. He nearly killed you."
"I already had an injury" Amy replied. "I wasn't 100 percent. Besides, I was ganged up on." She looked off into the distance, her mood change obvious. "I really hate that ganging up felgercarb."
"Any particular reason why you hate it so much?"
Amy remained transfixed on some distant point, as if by focusing on one point with her eyes it might help her mind to focus on something distant as well. Finally, she turned to Brie. "No reason I guess. I just hate it. Anyway, Adrian wasn't fighting fair."
"Life isn't always going to be fair" Brie said. "I think everyone in the fleet can attest to that. Drifting through space in ships, some of which shouldn't even be flying. The pain the cylons inflicted as unbearable as the pain we inflict on ourselves..."
"That wouldn't include Ange at all, would it?"
"I'm talking about everyone" Brie answered. "The Ange's of the fleet. The Adrian's. The Pierce's..."
Amy opened her mouth to speak, then stopped. She was going to object to Ange being lumped in with such a bad crowd, then decided not to open the subject again, unless Brie did first. What was it that made her hate Ange so much? But she couldn't ask. Couldn't pry. Whatever it was, Brie would tell her when and if she wanted to.
"Yeah" Amy nodded. "With friends like those, who needs Cylons, right?"
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Post by Brie on Sept 15, 2005 12:35:29 GMT -6
“You were talking before about blurring the line between the military and friendship,” Brie said.
“Yeah, it’s a line I can’t even see anymore,” Amy replied.
“It’s a line I see very clearly,” Brie stated. “In the entire squadron, do you know that the only people that I truly consider my friends are you and Skyler? And with Skyler and me there’s another line, a line we can’t cross, which is why we can never be move than friends. It’s there with Justin as well, but that line isn’t as clear-cut, so I’ll probably just have to build more walls when it comes to him. Frack, I could probably count the number of ‘true friends’ that I’ve had in my lifetime on one hand. How’s that for pathetic?”
“It’s not pathetic,” Amy said quickly. “It’s admirable, because you’ve devoted your life to defending the fleet.”
“Yeah, look where it’s got me,” Brie said, glancing around. “I’m not supposed to be here, but I don’t want to go back.” She took a deep breath. “Do you believe that there are unforgivable sins?”
Amy stared at Brie for several microns, not sure where the question had come from. “Some things are worse than others,” she answered at last.
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately,” Brie said.
“Pierce?” Amy asked softly.
“Him too,” Brie replied. “Did you know that the man confessed to having Turner murdered? All those yahrens, everyone thought that I had gone crazy because I said Turner had been murdered, and it turns out I was right all along. Do I forgive Pierce and the others involved? Do I forgive those who didn’t believe me, including Charybdis? What about other things? How can I ever forgive...” She stopped.
“Who?” Amy asked at last.
“There are people who are upset with Commander Apollo for ‘using’ me to catch Pierce,” Brie said, avoiding the question. “But Apollo knew that I would have done ANYTHING to find out the truth about Turner’s death. So I guess he knows me better than most of my friends. I guess I can forgive being used. In fact with the Commander there’s nothing to forgive. I’m grateful to him.”
“I’m not surprised,” Amy commented.
“But what about other types of sin?” Brie asked. “What if someone steals something so personal from you, that it’s almost like they took a piece of your soul?”
“Things can be replaced,” Amy said.
“I’m not talking about possessions,” Brie said with a sigh.
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Post by Amy81 on Sept 21, 2005 11:34:42 GMT -6
Amy wanted to grab Brie's shoulders and give her a shake. "What happened?" was what she wanted to ask. Brie seemed close to telling, and then would stop herself. Now Brie was close again, but Amy wouldn't ask. Brie had to decide for herself if she wanted to share whatever the dark secret was that hid in her past, and offer it on her own.
"I never had much in the way of possessions" Amy said finally. "My diary was one, and I know how I feel about my mom poking her nose in it. But where you understand that line between military and friendship, I don't see it clearly at all."
Amy thought for a micron that Brie was about to tell her secret, but again moved away from it. "How do you see the line?" Brie asked.
"You are my friend, but you are also my commanding officer. Where a friend might be allowed to ask anything, like a favor, or to share what was troubling them, the commanding officer thing prevents that from happening. Because without the military part, the friendship vanishes."
"It does not" Brie said flatly.
"Sure it does. If I got transfered to the Galactica, or anywhere out of Gold Squadron, the nearest thing to a best friend to me would be out of my life. We'd still remember each other, say hi on the odd times we'd meet, but that closeness, the everyday reason why we are such good friends would be gone." Amy shrugged. "End of friendship."
"That's really how you see it?" Brie asked.
Amy nodded. "Here's an example for you. A friend would be able to ask this, but as a junior officer I might just get slugged instead for stepping over the line."
"Ask what?" Brie wondered.
"Is Turner here?" Amy asked. "Can I meet him?"
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Post by Brie on Sept 21, 2005 14:31:26 GMT -6
“He’s around here someplace,” Brie replied. “I’m sure he’ll show up soon. He’s probably listening around the corner. He tends to do,” Brie raised her voice, “WHATEVER THE HELL HE WANTS! Actually I’d love for you to meet him. He’s always wanted to meet you.”
“Always?” Amy asked. “How can that be? You met me after he died.”
Brie looked slightly embarrassed. “I didn’t mean always, always. Since we’ve met. I haven’t told anyone this, especially since I don’t want to spend more time in the Catharsis Center, but Turner appears to me a lot. Usually through dreams, but sometimes I just know he’s there. Like on the Agro Ship. He gave me the strength to go on. He’ll be here sometime. I’d bet on it.” Brie paused. “You really think we wouldn’t be friends if you weren’t on the Callisto anymore?”
“That’s not entirely what I meant,” Amy replied.
“Because I think we would,” Brie said. “Don’t you think that there’s some kind of, I don’t know, unexplained connection between us?”
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Post by Amy81 on Sept 22, 2005 5:23:19 GMT -6
"Sure" Amy replied. "There's something deeper between us. I can feel it. I suppose it's just the nature of our relationship. You've been so much more than helpful to me, beyond what anyone else has been. But that still doesn't change the fact that if I shipped out, or you moved up, we wouldn't have much of a relationship at all."
"I don't agree with that" Brie replied.
"Just see someday."
"Does that mean you are going back?" Brie asked, jumping on the opening.
Amy smiled. "Trying to catch me there? I honestly don't know. It's up to my mom, like I said before. So, where is Turner anyway?"
"Like I said before, he does what he wants."
"I wonder if Adrian is here" Amy said. "He did redeem himself at the last micron, from what people tell me. He sacrificed himself to save me from the explosion."
"That he helped rig up" Brie pointed out.
"Yeah, but maybe you're only as good as your last deed. My last deed was listening to Lazant, walking out of a Cylon cruiser with a rifle, and getting the frack beaten out of me by centurions. I wonder if that was good enough? Come to think of it, I should get sainthood for listening to Lazant at all!"
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Post by Brie on Sept 22, 2005 11:04:44 GMT -6
“You listened to Lazant?” Brie said. She looked around. “I wonder if they have a Catharsis Center here, you need to have your head examined.”
“YOU put him on the mission,” Amy reminded her.
“Maybe I was trying to do the Callisto a favor,” Brie teased. “It WAS supposed to be a suicide mission, after all. Actually, Lazant’s not that bad. You just need to get to know him a little bit, cut through his pompous, self-righteous, jerky exterior.”
“Tell that to Charybdis,” Amy suggested.
“Charybdis has no say whatsoever in who I call a friend.”
“Would you call Lazant a friend?” Amy asked.
Brie thought for a micron. “Yeah, I guess I would. Not an I’m-going-to-make-an-effort-to-stay-close-to-this-person-if-they’re-transferred-off-the-Callisto type of friend, but a friend nonetheless.”
“Back to that again?”
“Friendship takes work, Amy,” Brie said. “Just like any other relationship. Look at Charybdis and me. He couldn’t be bothered to check on me when I was in the brig, or when I was dying on a hospital bed.”
“He stopped by the brig once,” Amy reminded her.
“Because he wanted to know what had happened to you on the mission,” Brie replied quickly. “Doesn’t count. Didn’t even drop me a note after my conviction. But then I wake up and he comes running, not because he’s happy that I’m alive, but because he had more questions about you. He’s not willing to work on our so-called friendship, so why should I bother?”
“What does that have to do with you and me?” Amy asked.
“Nothing,” Brie replied. “Sorry, I’ll take any chance I get to complain about Charybdis. But if you and I are both willing to make an effort to stay friends...” Brie looked at the ground, a realization hitting her. She needed to tell Amy the truth, at least part of it. “I was raped. When I was a teenager.”
“Brie...I don’t know what to say.”
“Very few people know,” Brie continued. “That’s my deep, dark secret, darker than anything that happened when Turner died. That’s what was stolen from me, that I was mentioning before. I’ve come to terms with it, I don’t blame myself anymore. Rape isn’t a crime of passion, it’s violence. No matter how strong I was at the time, there wasn’t anything I could have done. It was like the power of it gave him so much adrenaline...” She paused again, choosing her words carefully. “And that’s why I have such a problem with Ange. He could have stopped it from ever happening.”
“Ange was there?” Amy asked. Brie nodded. “And what, he just watched?”
“Yeah,” Brie replied, purposely not looking at Amy. “Something like that.”
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