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Post by Amy81 on Nov 4, 2006 7:44:52 GMT -6
Amy looked up at last. "Well, it didn't." The desire to hurt Brie was overwhelming, and for a moment... but then it passed. Still, the desire remained, and was slowly building again.
"You want to know what it was like?" Amy asked. "Pretty ship aside, I had two parents who worried more about crops and deadlines than their kid. The only time I can remember having their attention was when I was being home schooled and force fed the life of farming. I never felt love, never had love. I was a misfit, wondering why aside from playing in the dirt I couldn't stand the idea of being a farmer for life."
"The fact that I had warrior blood and didn't know it led me straight into the hands of someone who both helped me and took advantage of me." Her eyes bore right through Brie. "Yeah, I was raped too, but I was a lot younger than you when it happened. It was so much to handle that I buried it and it only came back to me now." Her voice cracked, screeching at times as it all came out. "But it makes sense now, in some twisted fracked up way it makes sense. The one who raped you was a warrior, wasn't he?" She didn't wait for an answer. "The one who raped me was one too, but he was the only one who really helped me see my true destiny, even if he didn't realize what he was doing or who I was. But now I know that's why I wanted to be one so bad, cause I was born to be one!"
"But I didn't know it cause I was living in a big lie. And against all the things I was taught to believe I became one anyway. Oh, I had 'my parents' attention then, you can be sure of that. But I went anyway in spite of the fact I didn't have either of their blessings."
"And it's so easy to blame the dead guy, but if you weren't in such a hurry to give your baby away, did you ever stop to think that Elmer might have set up the whole thing, make you think you had no other choice just so he could get his hands on a newborn that he could mold as his own? No wonder he insisted I never find out. Perfect plan, he found someone gullible enough, but he didn't count on the fact that he got himself a kid who was just as stubborn as her mom, and wasn't going to go along with his felgercarb no matter what he did to make her think that was her destiny."
She wanted water, but when she tried to reach her hands shook too much to try. She looked at Brie again. "I know about the early days of the fleet. People did a lot of things they shouldn't have. I'm living proof. But just cause others did, you didn't have to. And maybe others, even Athena, did things they aren't proud of. In the grand scheme of things, it was win-win for her. She keeps a pilot trainee, and her chief agro farmer gets the child he needs to keep the line going."
Her head hurt now, like someone had been slowly squeezing it until the pressure was too much. But now that she'd stopped talking the pain was slowly receding. She found her hands steady now as she again reached for the water...
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Post by Brie on Nov 6, 2006 9:49:57 GMT -6
Brie slowly shook her head. She knew that Amy had every right to be angry, but this seemed extreme, even for the situation. She realized that Amy was going to be filled with anger and resentment, but Brie wasn't sorry for what she had done. Giving Amy up had been the best decision, the only decision she could have made at that time. Even though she knew she'd probably regret it, Brie decided to say what was on her mind. "You're full of felgercarb, you know that? You tell me that you grew up a misfit and without love. The people on the Agro Ship adore you. They almost killed me because of what they thought I had done to you. If Justin hadn’t been able to get me back to the Callisto I would have died, not because of Pierce’s laser wounds but because of what the workers did to me, thinking that I was responsible for everything that had happened to you on the moon mission. Those people love you, I have the scars to prove it. And so your parents had to work. If I had raised you I would have had to work as well, and while I would be working you would have been left with people who hated you because of the simple fact that you existed. Can you honestly tell me that being raised a bastard child, surrounded by people who thought illegitimacy was the worst possible type of sin, would have been better?”
"You called me gullible. Maybe I was, but I was in a situation that I never in a millions yahrens had expected to find myself in. You accused be of 'blaming it on the dead guy.' That's not the case at all, I'm just trying to tell you what happened, although you're the one who is coming up with an Elmer conspiracy theory. I freely admit it, I've made a whole lot of mistakes with this situation, but quite honestly I always thought that it wasn't my secret to tell. You didn't know that you were adopted. If you had known that I would have told you everything a long time ago. But when I realized who you were what was I supposed to say? 'Hi, I'm Brie, your new CO and also your birth mother. There's the laundry, get started on it.' And then, as we became friends, biology didn't seem to matter quite so much."
Brie took a deep breath. "I was never in a hurry to give you away. After the arrangements had been made I was placed in quarantine, supposedly with Mercurian Leprosy. Only a doctor, a midwife and two medtechs knew the truth. I spent most of my time for six sectars alone, with you growing inside me. Every waking moment I was trying to figure out some other way, but I couldn’t think of anything. You tell me, what could I have done differently? But if I had known that you’d end up on the same ship as Ange, I would have taken that job on the Gemonese cargo ship.”
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Post by Amy81 on Nov 6, 2006 20:11:37 GMT -6
"Hindsight is always 20-20, isn't it?" Amy said more as a statement of fact than as a question. She drank the last of her water and set the glass down. Ange. Her father. So Brie knew about him. How, she wasn't sure. She let it go for a moment, not even sure how to discuss it. The whole thing was just too horrendous.
"Thing is, you still don't understand. You weren't ever on the agro ship when I was a kid, so you can't tell me how it was. Those other farmers, they never loved me unless it was like I was a mascot or something. I might have been the cute little kid running around under their feet, but that didn't comfort me at night. I was stuck on that ship, not even allowed to mix with other kids in school. I was never meant to leave that ship. The only reason any of them would say they love me now is cause I left and tried to make something more of myself than they'll ever be. None of them can see past the end of their shovels and now that I'm a warrior they all suddenly remember me. And if they tried to kill you over it, it shows you just the kind of people they are."
"But more than that, you don't understand what this all means to me. I'm finding out that my whole life until now has been a lie. Whatever I thought I was is a lie, where I thought I came from is a lie, and instead of being relieved to hear the truth of who I really am, I don't know what to feel. It's too fresh, too deep. You were right there all the time and like a fool I never knew. If I'd never known you until now it might have been easier, but you lived the lie with me from the moment I joined Gold Squadron. The truth might not have mattered much to you, but my life Brie, it's all a lie. The only thing I give you credit for is that you are standing here now telling me the truth. Cause I know the truth. Everyone doesn't understand that yet."
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Post by Brie on Nov 7, 2006 11:15:00 GMT -6
Brie stared at Amy for several microns as if she had lost her mind. "Of course you know the truth now, I've been telling it to you. This conversation could get me court-martialed again, because I've been under strict orders from Colonel Athena to not tell you any of this without your parents' permission. But I really don't care about that. If Abby wants me thrown back in the brig then so be it. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about truth and life and forgiveness, and I think that's why I decided to finally let you know."
"You want to know about growing up without love? Try living in a place where the adults who are in charge of you constantly tell you that your only purpose in life is to die. I'm so tired of listening to you complain about how rough you had it. Okay, like you said, I wasn't there, I didn't see it. Granted. So you didn't feel like you fit in. My guess is that you wouldn't have been happy anywhere, you're determined to be miserable. Not only growing up, but the whole time that I've known you as well. How many times have you almost quit the service? How many men have I listened to you complain about over the yahrens? How often have I watched you drown your supposed sorrows over a few two many glasses of ambrosia? Grow up, Amy! The situation stinks for everyone, not just you. Most people in the fleet would much rather settle down on some planet then keep up this stupid quest across the stars. You're not the only one who has had a rough life and compared to most, you've had it pretty easy."
"So I didn't tell you earlier. Big deal. I'm not going to sit here and keep apologizing for doing what I thought was best. I can't do anything to change the past, so just live with it, and stop being a such a whiny little brat."
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Post by Amy81 on Nov 8, 2006 6:43:33 GMT -6
Amy sat in the bed, a pained look slowly spreading across her face. She didn't realized she was doing it, but her hands gripped the bedsheet tightly, drawing it up as if it might offer some sort of protection. Her breathing started to become irregular, and she took some deep breaths through her mouth to steady herself down. Still though, her eyes filled with tears.
"I think I finally know where I stand" she said softly. "For once in my life, I finally really know." She cleared her throat, afraid to blink for it would cause a cascade of tears to flow down her face. "Thank you, Major." She nearly smiled for a brief moment, over the irony of it. "You know, when you speak like that, you almost sound like you're my mom. But it's a little late for that, isn't it?"
She blinked, and the tears flowed. She brought up the sheet to catch them...
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Post by Brie on Nov 8, 2006 9:48:39 GMT -6
"You still don't get it!" Brie exclaimed louder than she had intended. "I am NOT your mother! You can judge me and blame me all you want, obviously our friendship is dead, but don't expect me to be something that I'm not. Yes, placing you up for adoption was the hardest decision that I ever made but I don't regret it. It's not like I was some hormone-driven teenager who just wasn't careful, I was attacked. A brutal, horrible assault that changed my life forever. You were the good that came out of that. But that doesn't make me your mother, any more than it makes Ange your father. Technically, I was an incubator." Brie hadn't meant to use Ange's name but since Amy wanted truth there was no reason to hold back.
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Post by Amy81 on Nov 8, 2006 15:51:05 GMT -6
"You don't get it either, Major" Amy said, her voice still soft. "What it's like to know you aren't who you think you are, and the people you know aren't who you thought they were. But that's fine." She sniffed. "I know where I stand. I said that I did. I don't want our friendship to end, though I guess that I don't know what I want anymore. But what's done is done. And like I said, I give you credit for speaking with me about it. So far, everyone tried to keep things the same old. You were the first to speak the truth."
"I won't trouble you any more about it. Since you are so well adjusted to it after 20 something yarhens, that won't be a problem for you." She raised a hand. "I don't mean that in a bad way. Don't take it that way."
"And I know about Ange. I guess it's best that we don't even talk about him. I'll deal with it, and I'll do the best I'm capable of for you when I'm cleared for duty, unless it's better that I transfer out."
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Post by Brie on Nov 8, 2006 19:53:38 GMT -6
“Transfer out?” Brie repeated, her tone softening. “Amy, you're my Third Officer. I have never given you responsibility because of any of this. You work hard, you deserve your position. I need you, and Gold Squadron needs you. I admit it might be weird for a while, but I’m good at my job and I’m willing to try if you are. If I'm re-elected, that is.”
Brie sighed and didn’t give Amy a chance to answer. “I barely remember my parents. What I do remember from early childhood is wishing that I was somewhere else, anywhere else. It was well before the Holocaust but I was already stuck in a tin can, a floating military orphanage instead of living on a planet like normal children. We'd hear rumors that people were willing to adopt orphans but they always wanted infants. I was three fracking yahrens olds, and already over-the-hill. But I remember dreaming at night, dreams of living in wide-open spaces. I think I tried to force my dream upon you, and if that's the case, I'm truly sorry."
She shook her head. "I'm not a monster, Amy. It just became easier to keep things the way they were than to tell you the truth. A cop-out, I know. But I want to ask you something. You keep saying that your whole life has been a lie. Why? How are you different then you were before? I don't mean that to sound cold, but you are you, that hasn't changed."
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Post by Amy81 on Nov 9, 2006 0:16:57 GMT -6
Amy shook her head. She wasn't going to be drawn into this. She'd already started to wall it all up knowing that she'd find no comfort from knowing who her birth mother is, or from the woman herself. It's what she'd been finding out since making her deal. The truth was turning out to be worse than the lies.
But she also knew that once dropped, she would never dare bring this up again, unless it were for the final time.
"I've already said it, Major" she said at last, her voice soft and weary. "I thought I was this" she explained, indicating a spot on the bed to her right to illustrate the point she was trying to make. "It made no sense to me that I was this, and nothing I did or thought matched up with it. I'm not a farmer, which was contrary to everything around me in my life. I threw that away, and though I didn't know I was actually doing the right thing I was made to feel I wasn't by what I thought were my family. I mean, what a horrible person I was, turning my back on my parents. I was what you say I was: a horrible spoiled daggit of a brat."
"I did lots of things, I guess trying to find approval and maybe some love. I mean, no wonder I went from guy to guy, looking for something none of them could fill. In the end I wasn't capable of giving them what they wanted, cause I couldn't even give it to myself. Cause I wasn't this" she again indicated that spot on the bed, "I was this" she now indicated a spot to her left. "And now that I know that I was this all along, instead of finding some comfort in it, it's worse. The truth is actually worse."
"If I'd stayed on the agroship, I might have found approval and maybe some sort of normalcy, at least on the surface. But inside I would have felt nothing. I left in search of what was missing, and now that I've learned the truth, I have nothing at all, inside or out. I don't have the lie, and the truth won't have me either. And I don't expect you to understand any of it." She again drew the sheet up. "I don't expect anything from you."
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Post by Brie on Nov 9, 2006 12:50:58 GMT -6
"I do understand, at least on some level," Brie started slowly. "I know what it's like to want to know the truth. All those yahrens when I believed that Turner had been murdered but no one, not even Charybdis, believed me...but when I found out what had actually happened to him it was a most hollow victory. He was still dead. I also understand about not fitting in. My orphanage was comprised of children that they though would be the next generation of warriors, but female warriors were rare at that time. I was surrounded by boys who were jealous because I, a mere female, was better at most things than they were. It's changed somewhat but the military is still a boys' club. I know that none of this is on the same level as what you've been going through, I'm not comparing, but it's a place to start. And I also understand that pull to become a warrior. I've experienced it myself."
Brie pulled her chair a little bit closer. "I'm sorry about what I said before. You're not a brat, I didn't mean it. I've spent so many yahrens justifying everything that I was upset because you didn't seem to be hearing me. You know, this is part of the reason I didn't tell you before. I knew that it could turn you're entire life upside down. But you have every right to know. Just remember, though, your core being is still the same. That's the point that I keep trying to get through to you."
"You don't have nothing, Amy. It may not be what you've always thought, but Abby does love you. I think that because of her emotionless sealing she just doesn't know how to show it. Imagine being sealed to a man like Elmer for all those yahrens. You also have Charybdis..." Brie almost smiled. "And you have me. I hope you meant it when you said you still wanted to be friends. Because I've come to depend so much on your friendship, I don't know what I'd do without you."
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